


Yearning

by cassidys_angel



Category: Preacher (TV)
Genre: Feelings, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Monologue, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 13:13:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8287030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassidys_angel/pseuds/cassidys_angel
Summary: "The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do" - Sarah McLachlan





	

**Author's Note:**

> "What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage  
> created you a monster broken by the rules of love and fate has lead you through it you do what you have to do and fate has led you through it you do what you have to do and I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go every moment marked with apparitions of your soul I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do but I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go a glowing ember burning hot burning slow deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do and I have sense to recognize but I don't know how to let you go"

I can't sleep.  In fact I haven't slept decently since you've been gone.  Whenever I try I fall into dreams and it's nice at first because you're there.  We're together again.

It doesn't take long though, he shows up.  And when he finds us the single gunshot wakes me up.  I fight the covers trying to find you but I come to the devastating reality you're gone.

I will never hold you again.  Never again will I kiss your lips.  I'm going to miss hearing your voice, I hope I never forget how it sounds.

I still lay on my side of the bed.  I remember when we first arrived and stayed in a motel you got so upset with me, I'd start out on my side of the bed but before morning I'd be sprawled out over you.  Secretly I know you didn't really mind.  It's just not the same when I lay over your side now, it's cold and empty - like my heart.

And recently something has been happening to me, there's this tightness in my chest.  And my thoughts fill with memories of what we had.  The missing you consumes me so much so that I want to find you.  But that's when it gets worse because I have to remind myself that's not possible.  The tightness goes from bad to worse and I just scream your name.  I scream it so loud hoping wherever you are you can hear me.  Then I clutch my heart and crawl into a ball and cry until I fall asleep.

Humans call this grief.  They lose someone they love everyday and I've only experienced it once how do they survive such pain?  How do they keep going?  I feel like just giving up.  How do they stop their yearning?

I got an answer from an old woman who worked at a diner.  She could tell I was hurting so she sat across from me in the booth and she took my hand this is what she said, "I was married for forty years when my husband passed away.  He was my everything and after he was gone I at first was okay but then the nights came.  I don't really know how I survived that first night but I went through a period of sleeping very little to no sleep at all.  I'd get overwhelmed with memories and then I'd cry or get angry.  Honey you're gonna go through hell, I'm not gonna to tell you it's going to be okay because it's not.  You're never going to get over losing the one you love you'll just heal but it's like if you were to have a limb amputated you'd recover but you'll never be the same.  I wish I could share with you a way to heal faster but I can't because time heals all wounds or at least makes them tolerable.  You're in for great pain but find a reason to keep going but don't deny yourself your grief.  Experience it for all it's worth it'll make you stronger on the other side.  And I can promise you that one day you'll be able to think of them and you won't cry." 


End file.
